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An update in the inner workings of my brain, what I'm working on, what I should be working on and how mad I've been driven by my storylines. Plunder the depths of an Earle's mind.

By eearle, Jan 27 2017 02:59PM

This has been a good week. I’ve celebrated my book release in Perth city and becoming a bestseller in Australia, I’ve been on a road trip, visiting ancient caves, stopping off at an abandoned maze, visited a lighthouse and driven down to the southern most point of Western Australia. I’ve been on an epic full day wine tour, been to a natural spa, visited beaches with ivory sands and clear waters and tonight I’ve just come back from a hike around King’s Park in Perth.

It’s been a great thing to bond with people over the past week. For a while I felt quite alone, but it’s been nice to talk to others and hear their story- and actually open to them in return.

Throughout this journey I’ve found that sometimes negative feelings can have a beauty of their own. I’ve heard about other people’s struggle and their heartbreaks. To know that other people have felt such strong emotions for other people is in itself kind of beautiful. To care so much about someone.

That’s pretty awesome.

That’s my silver lining about hearing other folk’s struggles- seeing them overcome their own obstacles, or even if they haven’t yet, listening to how they want to and even offer your own support to their journeys.

It’s been nice to actually make a pact with someone to keep each other on the straight and narrow- for them to help you make sure you look after yourself and think well of yourself. Working to snap your mind out of the pattern that sometimes makes us feel worse- you know the pattern I’m talking about. When your mind starts running away with itself and you think about every situation under the sun. It’s no help worrying. I read something the other day and I can’t help but think how true it is. You feel depressed by thinking about the past and anxious when you worry about the future. The peaceful man lives in the now.

I want to be more like that.

I’m actually excited about that and know it’s well within my ability to achieve it.

The trip to Margaret River was very much needed. I feel a huge sense of relief about the past week. It’s like I’ve finally been able to breathe fully again. As if before, all I could take was small shallow breaths, never having enough air to function or feel good.

I feel like I’ve returned to myself. I became fractured and lost and now I’ve managed to gather the pieces up once again. I don’t regret anything. Because that’s the beauty of living- that’s the beauty in the ability to feel.

I feel great that I’ve found some peace within myself.

I want to focus on myself and make my life as exciting and happy as possible. Now is the time to start building foundations. Now is the time to start making changes. Now.

And if my mind ever wanders backwards or ahead of myself, I try and take a moment.

“Stay in the now. This is the now.”

We have to be our own champions. And whereas I believe in kindness towards others, I think it’s very easy to forget to be kind towards ourselves and make those decisions that will benefit you personally. It’s ok to be selfish sometimes. This is your journey. You need to take the twists and turns you want and need to find what you want. I’ve definitely had to do that.

An adventure can be what we need to refocus- to make us realise so much about ourselves. Margaret River did that for me and I’m so thankful of taking that leap with the little Viking I call her.

I was actually nervous about going on the road trip and first. The little Viking and I didn’t know each other too well, but we seemed to vibe off each other. All in all, it was a suggestion that came from a hungover conversation whilst eating cheesy nachos.

I had found my comfort zone and home and started feeling anxious about leaving the safety net. That usually happens if I feel down for a certain period of time. But after speaking to my dad, he told me simply:

“Pack your bags.”

So I did. The next morning, after shoving everything I could think we may need during the trip, we were on our way. I won’t get into the nearly running out of petrol fiasco, but let’s just say there was at one point a stage where I was very afraid for my lifespan. I was just thankful that I had decided to open a bottle of beer during the situation.

It helped.

I found that where our personalities were very different, our pattern of thinking was very similar. We were completely in sync with everything and that made the journey probably one of the best road trips I had.

It’s important to have someone you can feel comfortable chatting none stop with, and also to have comfortable silences. We had that just lying in our motel after a full day out, not saying anything- simply reading our books and occasionally passing the chocolate, topping up the wine or eating cheese with a spoon.

Hey- we were hungry and desperate.

We started our first day in a café surrounded by pamphlets of the nearby attractions. Our priority of course was chocolate, wine and the caves.

Our drive to the Mammoth Caves was incredible. A long stretch of road with towering trees bowing over the tarmac, sunlight constantly peaching in and out of vision. We were surrounded by such intense yellows, blues and greens that driving became a difficult thing to accomplish without getting distracted.

It would be every five minutes when either the little Viking or I would murmur: “Oooo, pretty…”

After parking, we trotted down to buy our tickets, collect our audio tour guides and prepared ourselves for a Riddle-off with Gollum (if you haven’t watched the Hobbit- shame on you). The entrance was a gaping mouth of black ready to eat us whole. After shrieking when some droplets of water fell and trickled down my back, I managed to get a hold of myself and go in.

I felt the warmth strip from my skin as soon as I stepped into the shadows, the thick Australian accent from my audio tour quietly nattering from my headphones. I pulled them off within the first ten steps, wanting to hear every drip and echo of the caves. I wanted to feel everything, get a real sense of what this place- I wanted to hear-

“Jack! Pack it in!”


“Jack, just stop it!”

“Oi! You two-”

Desperate to avoid the family of six, the little Viking and I quickened our pace to avoid their whining voices, keen to get onto the next place.

We almost missed the maze. We were driving towards the lighthouse when we saw a random sign. Now, being brought up watching The Labyrinth with my big sister, I have always been obsessed with the idea of getting lost in a bunch of hedges (please mail puns).

I saw the red painted sign and shouted, “Maze! Turn, turn, turn!”

Although we drove up to this decrepit sun-bleached building where an unmanned honesty box was put in place, we ran into the maze immediately. Splitting up, we left the other for dead as we ran around in circles and twists and turns.

I won, of course.

We finished it off with driving to the most southern point of Western Australia to visit Cape Leeuwin.

“Lighthouse is just up ahead, toilets are to your right- be careful around them as the snakes like to hang around there.”

I froze, my hand half outstretched for the offered audio guide. “You what?” I stammered.

The Museum Assistant nodded. “Oh yeah, there’s signs everywhere- got to watch them, y’know,” he said. “Thought you Essex ladies weren’t scared of anything.”

My eyes narrowed before I could stop them. “I’m not from Essex.”

“The last Essex woman I met whacked me round the head with a stiletto,” he told me, crossing his arms over his chest.

I glanced down at my trainers, checking for sharp edges.

“You from Liverpool?”

Taking a breath with my fists clenched, I managed to throw, “I’m from Coventry!” as I was pulled from the door by my co-adventurer.

“I’ll remember that’s where you ladies are from!” he called after me.

Too flummoxed to correct him, I kept focused on the task of avoiding being eaten by snakes.

The next day was a blur in itself- (probably due to the wine tour) but I know it was a bloody good day. Maybe I’ll share it in the next blog.

Returning home to Perth, whenever I listen to various songs always reminds me of the fun I had on our little road trip. This adventure helped me recognise a lot of things about myself and completely reset me.

I feel like February is going to be starting a new positive chapter for me. I’ve got so many projects that I’m excited about and I’ve met some absolutely amazing people. I believe you get out what you put in- and I’m definitely dedicated to investing some time and energy towards my aspirations.

So yeah… I’m feeling good.

I hope you are too. Much love to you all as always.

By eearle, Jan 18 2017 02:30PM

So, a few days have passed since my last personal update. Have things changed? I suppose so. A sense of clarity and realisation came in.

I suppose I was holding onto a lot of things. Hope mainly. But I was hoping for the wrong thing. I realised my energy was misdirected. I could make myself feel amazing in a more constructive way.

I need to create my own happiness and get myself in a place where I am wholly content and confident in myself as a person. I don't want to rely on anyone else to make me happy. I need to make my life amazing for myself. I have that ability- I have that control. I need to realise that.

I know who I am, I know what I can offer. I think it’s important to acknowledge your own self worth. We have so many knock backs that make us doubt ourselves- and I suppose that’s ok. They’re tests each time it happens. Obstacles to overcome.

We cannot add up our value to how others see us. Treat us.

We are treated badly throughout our lives by people, and that is just life. We are human and we error. I am sure that I have done the same in my lifetime. Holding onto grudges never helped anything. I can't hold onto hate or anger. It's like holding onto acid. I enjoy resolutions and peace. But I suppose the fire to keep thinking like that dies out after a while if it becomes too repetitive. To keep trying. It's easy to be taken for granted. But I don't want to stop living by my morals as a person.

I've realised that one of the most important things is to acknowledge you are worth that self investment.

And that is what I’m doing.

I thought to myself- why am I sitting here so sad? I have a degree. I have a loving family and friends. I am in Australia. I have wrote five fucking books for god’s sake. I am an author. An illustrator. I work hard to be there for others, many times at cost of my own emotional wellbeing to help them. I will always give the other person the bigger cut of cake. I will always make sure that you have the hot chocolate with the most foam. I will make sure that I play music you like in the car. I will make sure you are constantly fed and watered. I will pick you up at 3am if you need to fall apart or need a lift home. I will go out when I don’t want to, just because you need a wing man. I always make sure I have emergency snacks in my bag if you’re hungry when we’re out, and will listen if you ever need someone. I always make sure you have water by your bed if you need to pass out and will pull off your sweaty socks and tuck you in.

I am a good person.

Goddammit I am a good person.

And I apologise for sounding like I am blowing my own trumpet (totally not sorry) but it’s about time I realised that I deserve happiness and I am in control of that. It’s about time I appreciated my own worth.

Sometimes it’s ok being your own champion. Sometimes it’s ok to split yourself into two people and let the stronger side take care of the other- telling yourself that you’re awesome, that you’re pretty, your ass looks great and what you said last Friday was ridiculously funny.

I am working hard to realise that I have all of these attributes and they should not be measured by the lows of how others make me feel.

Those opinions do not matter. Those experiences do not matter.

The opinions and experiences that do matter are ones from people who are going to stay in your life, who know who you are and think about you with love. The ones who will sacrifice themselves for you, who will be there for you during those midnight phone calls, hold your hair back whilst being ill and will help and nurture you as you grow as a person.

The ones who know you are worth the effort.

Releasing The Contract of Maddox Black has been a huge milestone for me. It is my biggest novel, starting a saga that I cannot wait to release later on this year.

I need to acknowledge that it is a big deal. It is a big deal. I wrote a bloody book and have released it into the world. And it’s ok to celebrate.

So that’s what I’ll be doing.

I’ll be in Perth, Western Australia this Friday celebrating if anyone wants to join! Join and celebrate our conjoined epic-ness.

And if anyone on here ever wants or needs to talk about anything, or just needs a friend, please feel free to reach out.

Did I ever tell you that you’re awesome?

By eearle, Jan 14 2017 04:13AM

With all of the current things that have been happening, I thought I would give an actual personal update.

I moved over to Australia in November. It was a scary move. Leaving everyone was a tough decision but I found that my days had become repetitive. And it’s not just that either. I wanted an adventure- a chance to actually create something amazing out of my life.

I kept thinking, “How can I create these whirlwind stories for my characters, and not have one for myself?”

So that’s how it started.

It’s been an adjustment being over here. I’ve met some pretty amazing people. It’s been interesting seeing how folk work over here, seeing their relationships with friends and family and watching the patterns in their behaviour.

I’d say I’ve gotten close to a couple of people and would call them real friends now.

I find it difficult to trust people. Especially with my emotions. It makes me feel vulnerable. I don’t enjoy letting down my guard and offering a part of myself to others partly because I don’t trust people with that part. It’s like offering someone a cup of water and watching them carelessly spill it until they eventually discard it all.

"It was only water."

I’m trying my best to live by my beliefs and morals- remaining to be kind and understanding to people. I’ve met people who mean a great deal to me who are on their own internal journeys and I know that that’s something we all go through. It’s a transition.

I am feeling emotionally exhausted at the moment. There’s a lot to process and think about. My life is pointing in different directions and I suppose it’s difficult to know what to do, or who to even rely on.

I think that’s maybe it. Back at home in Nuneaton I had my friends to constantly back me up and support me. Here, of course I have my folks, but who wants to tell their parents about their worries? I think here I feel exposed. I feel like I’ve been turned inside out and I’m trying to keep the elements from harming me.

It’s difficult to know what to do. But that’s just it. Maybe it’s not the knowing of what to do. That’s never been my bag really. I think the biggest thing is waiting. Because when you don’t know what to do, you have to simply be. And that’s a process. You have to experience it. You have to be.

It’s ok to struggle and be sad. Life isn’t about being constantly happy and spending time on the beach. Sometimes it’s about hitting those lows so you can appreciate the highs. I’m so grateful for each day I am given on this earth.

I feel also what I am painfully aware of, in Australia, I feel very alone at times. I’ve met a lot of wonderful people, as I’ve stated before. But they have invested years of friendship within each other. They truly care about one another. I feel like a bystander at times. Someone not very important. Who would care about some random English girl who’s been here a couple of months? I let my guard down, and now I am desperately trying to build it back up.

I worked so hard this year to get back to normal. I worked so hard to create my own happiness and repair myself. I created a protection, a guard. And I liked it. It made me feel safe. But it’s been torn away and I feel like I’m grappling with the pieces again, trying to figure out which part goes where and find some protection for myself.

I’ve had difficulty in actually feeling or appreciating my own worth recently. Difficulty in actually feeling as though I would mean something to anyone over here. People’s lives wouldn’t be affected if I stepped away. I feel a bit disposable. Replaceable.

I am very aware that I am the one saying those words. But it is how I feel.

I know that currently it’s not a matter of doing anything that can change the way I feel. It’s literally about being. And waiting for the wave to finally hit. Because it’s coming, and I know that it will overwhelm me and I won’t be able to breathe.

But hey- look at me investing all of this time and emotional energy writing this. I just find it difficult to believe anyone has woken up this side of the world and thought about me.

I hate being negative around anyone. I hate being sad or angry around anyone. I don’t want to share those emotions- that vulnerability. I want to make people feel good and for them to not be affected by my internal struggle.

So what do I want?

I suppose to actually feel as though someone needs me. As though someone would actually go above and beyond to help me, or to even that they want to be in my company. To extend some energy and effort to make me happy. As though I actually mattered.

That’s what I need right now. It’s what I want. Back home, I was very lucky. The boyos knew if I felt down. We would watch films, laugh, have a drink or plan another adventure. This is how I felt supported. They invested time and energy in me and I did towards them. We supported each other because we had an appreciation and care for the other person’s wellbeing.

By God, they cared.

They made me feel worthy of their company. They made me feel worthy in general.

I do not feel worthy here.

And I have an intense sadness in my chest because I know that I have to wait this one out, because my path is not fixed yet. I am very aware that it will be ok. I am just accepting being human and not putting pressure on myself.

What I’ve learned on this journey of being a writer is honesty. We spill our thoughts and feelings onto paper- it’s our way of bleeding out the emotions. And I suppose it’s my way because I feel unable to talk to anyone about how I’m feeling. I can’t do it. So here it is, in black and white.

This is how I’m feeling.

By eearle, Jan 10 2017 01:01PM

She thinks…

It’s more than she can take.

Her spine cracks under the pressure of forsaking various subtleties. Her mouth turns but she doesn’t feel the smile. Her eyebrow tilts but she holds back the full grimace. She can’t remember the last time it didn’t take effort.

“What’s your name?”

“Don’t touch me.”

“You’re a snob.”

“I don’t owe you anything.”

She twists through the crowds, the music pressing down on her eardrums. She thought at first she was enjoying herself. She thought she could lie to herself. Distract herself. Find a new chaos.

The drums are beating, a woman’s heartbroken voice sings out. She can feel the jagged pieces of it cascade around the walls, piecing into her chest, allowing the blackness to drip out from her ribs.

Everyone will see…

It’s all a bit much.

She blinks and the earth moves. She blinks again and finds herself outside, surrounded by more warm bodies.

It’s all a bit much this…


She never knew how many pennies her head was worth. Never knew how much the bounty would be.

Penny for your thoughts.

She bought a temporary solution in a bar that offers bitter gold and a salted tongue. She turns and watches the statue of the Holy Mary wait for her, hands outstretched, forgiveness and salvation promised.

Promise me…

You lied, she wants to hiss back at holy eyes. You lied.

It’s all a bit much…

This burning.